Have you ever not felt the will to move, to just lie in bed and do nothing, not because you feel like being lazy, but because getting out of bed is going to take every ounce of energy that you can muster? Okay. Have you felt that every day for years?
I have been severely depressed since I was at least 15 years old, so that’s 11 years now. I have been on various anti-depressants since I was 22 years old. I dropped out of school in 2013 because I didn’t have the ability to concentrate, not because I didn’t want to, but because the chemicals in my body kept me from being able to do so. I got help after that. I went to psychiatrists and psychologists. I talked about what I was dealing with in various support groups of Nerdfighters that I found on Facebook. I texted about it to my friends. But there’s one thing that is still difficult for me: I can’t really talk about it with my friends. I can easily type or text about it, but I can’t talk about it. I wrote a speech about it and memorized it, but I didn’t have to have the conversation about it.
I understand that this blog post is another form of texting about it, but it’s important to me that people understand this: being depressed sucks. Feeling like you’re not good enough sucks. Your brain telling you that you are a failure is terrible. But I have friends who I know I can count on, who deal with the same issues, and I will use them to get better. I’m done being held hostage by my own brain. I’m stepping out and making this my cause. No one should deal with this. No one should have to hurt like that. No one should have to go day to day feeling like they’re not good enough to be alive.